Brazil Learns to Overcome Ultra-Independence and Receive Love and Support

The concept of ultra-independence is a coping mechanism people develop when they have learned it is not safe to trust love or when they are terrified of losing themselves in another person. According to the writer of a recent personal account, humans are not meant to go it alone. People are wounded in relationship and heal in relationship.

The writer describes a lifelong struggle with asking for and receiving help. She felt she had to do everything on her own and lived in a constant state of anxiety. This behavior was a survival strategy that kept her safe but also left her isolated. The writer notes that ultra-independence often stems from a lack of trust in others or a feeling of being unworthy of love and support. Some people believe that by not being a burden, they will gain love and acceptance.

Maintaining connections and receiving support are basic human needs, the writer states. Saying one does not need anybody often comes from a part of the self that wants to protect against hurt, abuse, criticism, disappointment, or rejection. Many people resist asking for anything because they think it signals weakness or neediness, which they associate with codependency. However, the writer argues that healthy interdependence is natural.

Ultra-independence can also be an extreme unspoken boundary. Learning to set healthy boundaries may help people feel safe in situations where they fear losing themselves. Sometimes the need for ultra-independence arises from a lack of safety in being vulnerable. Letting people in may expose flaws and insecurities or trigger unresolved wounds. Deep shame can also lead people to avoid connection.

One of the hardest lessons, the writer says, is that although people have been hurt in relationships, supportive relationships can offer healing and safety. She did not understand this at first because in her own relationships she often faced criticism, rejection, and anger for having natural human feelings and needs. As a child, her father would become angry when she asked for anything. Watching others receive support while she believed she had to do everything alone was painful.

Eventually, ultra-independence led the writer to deny and suppress her needs and feelings. At age 15 she developed anorexia. She struggled with depression, anxiety, and self-harm for more than 23 years. At age 20 she let her guard down and entered a relationship with a man who bought her gifts but attached conditions. When she did not do what he wanted, he took the gifts back. He became obsessive, waited outside her house, and used gifts and seduction to draw her back. After breaking up with him, she vowed never to receive anything from anyone again.

Years later, a trip to Palm Springs with a friend helped her reconsider that vow. They played slot machines, and her friend put in $20. She told him it was his money if they won. They won $200 on the first spin, and her friend told her to cash out. She chased him around the casino trying to return the money, fearing that receiving it would mean she owed him and he owned her. Her friend assured her he wanted nothing in return and enjoyed giving to friends and family. That experience shifted her perspective.

Her healing journey began at age 40 when she started reconnecting with herself, her needs, and her feelings. She learned to ask for support, which was difficult at first. Some people reacted with anger, while others were happy to fulfill her requests. Instead of blaming herself for the belief that she had to do everything alone, she made peace with the part of her that felt it needed nobody. By listening to its fears, she understood why it wanted to protect her. The part revealed pain of being rejected, hurt, and screamed at for having human feelings. She acknowledged and validated those fears, thanked the part for its role, and assured it that she was now loved and safe. When asked what it truly wanted, the part said it wanted real connections and to feel safe receiving support.

The writer notes that ultra-independence helped her heal from anorexia, depression, and anxiety. Even after 23 years of hospitalizations and traditional therapy that did not work, she took healing into her own hands and did most of it alone. Still, being in a loving, supportive environment with people who did not try to fix, control, or save her was also helpful.

She emphasizes that people are not meant to do life alone, but being alone can feel comforting when one fears being hurt. Forcing oneself to ask for support is not the answer. The first step is to create a caring relationship with oneself and understand where the need for ultra-independence comes from. A question to ask is: Why is it not okay for me to receive support? Sit with that part, let it show its beliefs, and listen with compassion. Then ask what it really wants and needs.

Receiving support does not mean total dependence on others, which leads to frustration. Learning how to be independent and meet one’s own needs is also important. The writer stresses that it is not either/or, but both. Connecting with feelings and needs, communicating them, and making requests are key skills. For example, if someone is struggling and wants support, they might say, “I’m having a hard time right now, and I would really like someone who I can talk to, someone who will just listen without trying to change me or my situation. Is that something you would be willing to do?”

The writer concludes that if this feels impossible, it may help to start with small steps, such as practicing self-compassion and identifying safe individuals to trust gradually.