Brazil learns to speak up after being told feelings don’t matter

Many people say that a proper adult communicates clearly and assertively. By that standard, one person said they would not have been considered a proper adult for most of their life. There was a time when they could not even ask someone for a glass of water. They said this might seem crazy to some people, and for a long time, they felt crazy for it.

They asked themselves why they could not do what others did without thinking. They wondered why they could not say what they needed to say, or why they could not be normal. These questions fed into a spiral of shame they were trapped in at that time in their life.

The person said the question they should have asked was not how to overcome being damaged, but how their struggles made sense based on how they were raised. Based on that, they said they were perfect and their behaviors made perfect sense. They described being a child taught to be seen and not heard. Their feelings made others angry and violent. Their anger got them shamed and rejected by the person they needed most. They were hit again and again until they stopped crying. Their needs inconvenienced those in charge of caring for them. Their wants were called selfish, attention-seeking, or ridiculous. They were made wrong for everything they felt, wanted, or needed. They were called a monster for being a child.

The person said they grew up feeling unwanted, alone, and repulsive. They asked why that child would ever speak or share anything about herself. They concluded the child would not. They said it was a way of surviving. They had been taught that they did not matter. What they wanted, needed, or felt was something that needed to be hidden at any cost. They did this to avoid being hurt, shamed, and rejected. That pattern ran their life even as an adult. They could not get themselves to say what they wanted and needed to say. It felt too scary, too dangerous, and too shame-inducing.

The person said that if someone struggles to express themselves and feels embarrassed, they understand. They said it is not that person’s fault. They said life is harder when you could not be who you were growing up, when the only way to protect yourself was by being less of yourself, and when you could not learn to love yourself because that was the biggest risk. But they said that risk now only lives within you, in your conditioning. That is where inner healing work comes in.

For the person, that meant getting professional support to learn how to connect to themselves and their truth. It meant learning to banish the critical, demanding internal voice that told them their feelings, needs, and wants were wrong. It meant learning to regulate their nervous system to get past their fear and be honest about what worked for them. This was a major turning point in their relationships. They started to represent themselves more openly, which meant their relationships either improved dramatically or they found out the other people did not really care about them.

It also meant opening up emotionally and learning to understand what their feelings were trying to tell them. Since they had learned to avoid and suppress their emotions growing up, they knew it would be challenging to get to know themselves. They had the opportunity of reparenting themselves, giving themselves the love and attention they did not receive as a kid. That allowed them to finally feel safe enough to express themselves. The relationship they had with themselves became a safe haven instead of a battleground.

The person said everything on the outside started to align with what was going on inside. The safer they became for themselves, the safer the people in their life became. This allowed them to develop deeper and more meaningful relationships. They said they know that kind of change is possible because today they are the most authentic version of themselves they have ever been. They noted that sharing their story is a far cry from asking for a glass of water.

Today they no longer choke on the words they were always meant to speak. They speak them. They no longer hold back their feelings. They feel them and share them freely. They no longer deny their needs or play down their desires. They own them, meet them, and fulfill them. They own who they are and do not feel held back by toxic shame in the ways they once did. They said they would never have thought this was possible for them.

The person said they hope that in sharing their story and transformation, others will follow the spark of desire in them to express themselves, share their thoughts and desires, and express what it is like to be them. They said to listen to that, not the voice of fear or shame, not conditioning, and not anything that reinforces inhibitions or trauma. They said you were born to be fully expressed, and that is your birthright. Just because the people who raised you did not understand you, that does not mean you have to deprive the world and yourself of experiencing you. They said it is never too late to open your heart and share yourself in ways that feel healing, liberating, empowering, and loving to you.