Brazil’s Wounded Parents Seeking Perfection

Dr. Shefali Tsabary said, “The greatest gift you can give your children is your own healing.” Parents who experienced childhood trauma often find themselves flooded with questions as they try to heal while raising their children.

They wonder if they are doing too much or not enough. They ask if they are being too hard or too soft, if they spend sufficient time with their child, or if they help too much or too little. Concerns arise about whether a son who talks about his feelings might be taken advantage of, or if a daughter with boundaries will be seen as too bossy.

The primary goal for many of these parents is straightforward: to avoid repeating what was done to them. One parent recalled deciding not to have a baby until she had healed enough to break the cycle. She believed it would not be too difficult.

She was determined to be emotionally and physically present, to never dismiss her child’s feelings, and to offer compassion, nurturing, and unconditional love. That is what children need and deserve, and what she needed as well.

But doubt soon crept in. The constant second-guessing and a quiet voice questioning if she was doing it wrong became persistent. She refers to this as Not Good Enough Stuff. No matter how many loving actions she took, that voice remained.

Questions persisted: Was she talking about feelings too much? Should she let her child handle friend disputes alone? When her child needed space while upset, should she leave or stay close? If a teacher seemed unfair, should she intervene? If help was needed, should she wait or offer it?

Trying to get it right all the time is exhausting. Upon reflection, she noticed two core fears underneath everything.

The first fear is about giving too much affection. She always asks her son if he wants a hug before giving one. One day, when he was upset about school, she offered a hug and he said no. She paused, unsure, and instead asked if he wanted her to sit with him or give him space. He asked her to just sit there.

She sat in silence, fighting the urge to fix the situation, and her mind raced with questions about whether she was doing enough, too much, or getting it wrong. This moment touched on a deeper issue, as affection and comfort were not consistently received in her own childhood.

For a long time, she thought that was normal. This belief shifted when she spent the night at her friend Molly‘s house and was hugged by Molly’s mother before bed. It felt safe, warm, and easy, and she wanted more of that feeling.

The next night, she told her mother about it and asked for bedtime hugs. Her mother became triggered and angry, saying that if she wanted a mom like Molly’s, she could go live with her. The parent shares this not to shame her mother, who also did not receive affection, but to illustrate how, as a child, she learned that her needs were too much.

Such beliefs do not disappear in adulthood; they carry over into relationships and parenting. So, when her son declines a hug, it feels like more than a simple preference. It brushes against something old, making the Not Good Enough Stuff louder.

The second, quieter fear is about pushing too much to talk about feelings and potentially setting her child up to be seen as weak. This stems from having emotional needs that were not met in childhood, and now striving to ensure children do not experience the same emptiness.

However, a major problem is that these parents were never shown how to do this. It is like trying to reach a destination without a map. The parent compared it to moving from Mississippi to the mountains of Southern Oregon without directions, GPS, or a guide. One would likely get there eventually but take wrong turns, get lost, and feel frustrated along the way.

They know the kind of parents they want to be but lack a clear path. Mistakes happen, and then they criticize themselves for making them. In trying so hard to give their kids what they did not have, they question if they are overcorrecting.

What grounds her when that voice gets loud is the realization that children often need emotional fulfillment more than material things. She has seen children with little financially but whose emotional needs were met, and they were emotionally healthy. She also knew the feeling of having things but lacking the affection, comfort, and nurturing that truly mattered.

Honestly, she would have given up many possessions just to feel safe, seen, and loved. This reminder brings her back to what actually matters: not perfection, but connection.

Mistakes are unavoidable, and parents will get some things wrong. What makes the difference is that they are doing things their parents did not do. They reflect, question, care, and are willing to change. Working on their own healing while raising a child matters more than getting everything right.

They are likely doing something meaningful that their child will carry for life, such as apologizing when they mess up, listening instead of dismissing, or trying again the next day. These actions are not small.

Sometimes, she loses her temper with her son, hearing echoes of how she was raised and occasionally repeating harmful things from her childhood. But she notices it, sometimes right after or in the moment. This awareness allows her to repair the relationship.

Repair matters more than perfection ever will. When parents repair with their children, they teach them that mistakes are okay, how to take responsibility, reconnect, and build healthy relationships. This is something many were never taught, and it changes everything.

So, when self-doubt arises, it helps to step back and remember that parenting in a way one was never parented is incredibly hard. Learning as one goes and choosing something different matters more than doing it perfectly. Parents deserve compassion, which they can now give to themselves.

Experts note that breaking intergenerational cycles of trauma requires conscious effort and self-compassion. Studies show that children benefit most from emotional security and responsive parenting, which foster resilience and healthy development. This underscores the importance of the healing journey for parents, as it directly impacts their children’s well-being and future relationships.